STORIES SUBMITTED BY READERS :
How a Chicken Saved the World
by Charity Potter
It all started in band, on that fateful day, long ago. Ok, it didn’t start all that long ago as it was last Tuesday, I found out. It was dark and stormy outside and only one-fifth of the class was listening to the video. Rebecca and I had moved across the room to sit with our seventh grade buddies. We were having fun, laughing and making fun of each other, when I heard a frightening sound. We all turned around to see who had said such a thing, who would utter such language, while hoping it wasn’t what we thought it was. Maybe it was one of the bandos making a funny sound. I was stunned when I turned around and saw Eric, moaning and whimpering to himself.
“How long have I been this way, Charity?” Eric asked me.
“Erm…what way?” I asked, trying not to sound too blonde.
“A (sob) HILLBILLY!” He cried.
That confirmed my suspicions. It had been Eric who had said, “Ya’ll”. While commonly said in Texas, in California it can mean only one thing about that person: that he is a hillbilly. I should have known though, he had authentic hillbilly relatives in the South. But I didn’t want to believe he had gone to the dark side. Eventually I forgot about the whole incident, until…
“Hey Becca, wanna come over and see a movie?” I asked my friend Rebecca Wolf over the phone.
“Well gee golly willikers, garsh I’d enjoy that, hyuk .’ Bec said.
I dropped the phone, stunned by her answer. It was then that I remembered Eric’s incident with the phrase ‘Ya’ll’. Were Rebecca and Eric turning into hillbillies? Could it be true? I had to know, so I picked up the phone and asked Rebecca to come to come to my house, ASAP.
(Ding-dong) I rushed to the door, flung it open, and regretted not looking in the peephole first.
“What’s a wrong wit ‘choo?” Said a smiling hillbilly version of my close friend Ms. Wolf. Her tanned, freckled, buck-toothed face frightened me. Mostly the tan scared me though, as she is white as a ghost.
“N-nothing, Becca.” I stuttered.
“Hyuk, I don’t go ba Becca anymore. I like Billy betta. Ma good friends call me Billy Bob.” She continued telling me all her hillbilly titles, while I stood there, bewildered. Then a brilliant idea hit me with the force of a semi-truck.
“Becca, I’m busy! See ya later!” I said while slamming the door in her face.
I sprinted to the computer room and waited for the computer to boot. Stamping my foot impatiently at my computers serious case of lethargic-ness. I wonder how many of my friends have turned hillbilly. Thinking about it sent chills down my spine. Maybe I can get a good count of who’s still on our side on-line!
After the computer had finished starting up, millions of advertisements popped out of nowhere. I shrieked and hid under my desk for a minute. After regaining some sense, I logged on to AOL Instant Messenger, expecting to be I.M.'ed by a few thousand of my on-line friends. But no one was on-line. The beeping and flashing of Internet chatting was nowhere to be seen. Then, Maria signed on (which was amazing considering she didn’t have any form of internet chatting programs). I typed the predicament to Maria, and she told me why no one was on-line.
“Duh,” she typed, “Hillbillies aren’t smart enough to use the computer!”
I slapped my forehead that was so obvious! (Maybe I should not consider a career that requires thinking.) Maria then asked me to come to her house. I grabbed my bike and pedaled as fast as I could to her house. On the way I saw many hillbillies dressed like Rebecca trying to shoot off each other’s toes with their shotguns. Some asked me to join but I just pedaled faster. They probably wouldn’t understand what I’m saying anyway…I was surprised when I reached Maria’s home. She lived by a crowded park, but no one was there.
“Maria?!” I yelled, while pounding on the front door.
She opened the door and put a finger to my mouth, hushing me. “I have something to show you.” She whispered.
She led me towards the staircase, but instead of going up it was going down. “I didn’t know you had a basement, Maria.” I mumbled.
She said nothing in reply. When we reached the bottom of the stairs I was shocked. Her basement had tiny computers beeping wildly and huge screens flashing data faster than I could read. There was a little door, which seemed to lead to a huge room. What really surprised me were the hundreds of people standing in perfectly straight lines inside of the huge room. I saw some of my friends there.
“Maria, what’s going on?” I asked.
Maria chuckled. “Charity, Charity, Charity. You didn’t figure it out by now? All these years I’ve been biding my time. Everyone thinks I’m a nice, smart, shy, little Philipino girl, but I’m not.”
“You’re not Philipino?” I asked, shocked.
“Of course I am nitwit!” She said while slapping me upside the head. “Anyways, all those other things have been my cover. I’ve been plotting ways to take over the world ever since I was a toddler! When we moved to the U.S. I knew I had been given the perfect opportunity. All I had to do was wait. When I heard Eric go hillbilly, I knew exactly what I would do. I figured I could turn everyone else into hillbillies and control their slow dim-witted minds!” Maria started cackling. It was a sound I had never heard before. I mean I’ve heard Maria laugh before, but not like that. She sounded…evil.
“So will you join me Charity? Together we can rule the world. You may be a dumb blonde but people will be less suspicious of your attempts at world domination. It’s the least you could do; to repay me for all those times I’ve listened to your ramblings on your new obsession. If you say no, I’ll be forced to turn you into a hillbilly.” She threatened.
“I’ll never go to the dark side!” I screamed.
Maria pulled a weird looking gun out of her pocket and pointed it at me. “Before you lose the ability to comprehend proper English, I need to tell you something. Charity, I’m your father’s cousin’s daughter’s grand-mother’s grand child’s pen pal!” She told me.
“What does that make us?” I asked, frightened by the obvious spoof of star wars.
“Absolutely nothing!” Maria started cackling again, while pointing her gun at me. “Good-bye, friend.” She whispered.
“Wait! I’ll join you!”
“Oh good.” Maria said, but she didn’t put the gun down.
“Maria, put that thing down. I’m serious! Anyway, there’s something I need to know before I join you. How do you turn everyone back into their original states?” I asked, hoping it would work.
Maria spread her arms out and pointed at the computers surrounding us. “See all these computers? They send out waves that basically alter everyone’s personality into that of a hillbilly and brainwashes them so they’re completely under my control. Some people are too much of something already, like you for instance. You’re too blonde. The waves don’t affect you. That’s why I have this gun, for those who resist the waves sub- consciously. Then, if for some strange reason I get the urge not to take over the world, I push that big red button over there.” Maria pointed to a big red button on a panel, labeled ‘Do not push unless you’re Charity trying to stop Maria’s plan for world domination’.
“That’s oddly specific!” I said before running across the room to the red button.
But Maria jumped into the air and landed on the back of my shoulder blades, kicking me to the ground. Then she did a backwards flip so she was in front of the button. I ran full throttle at her, and then jumped up to kick her, but she grabbed my leg and swung me around for a while until I gained enough momentum to end up on the other side of the room. It hurt, to say the least. But somewhere inside of me I found strength and started running towards my ex-best friend again, while pulling a metal tube out of my pocket. I hadn’t even realized I was pulling it out until a slender, green beam popped up out of nowhere. I stopped and waved it around. It made swishing sounds. With renewed confidence I started running towards Maria again, raised the light saber above my head while trying to prepare myself for what I was going to do.
“This will hurt me more than it will hurt you!” I shouted while bring the saber down on Maria’s head.
(Fzap, crackle, pop). I gasped; Maria had a light saber too! And she had used it to block my blow!
“Did you think it would be that easy?” Maria laughed, “I’m trained in nine different sword plays and five styles of martial arts”.
I grimaced. This was my first time even touching a “sword”, and I wasn’t starting tae-kwon-doe classes till next week!
Use the force Luke said a voice inside my head.
“My name is Charity and I don’t have the force!” I yelled. Who was this guy?
Trust your instincts, Luke said the voice, once again inside of my head.
“IT’S CHARITY!” I shouted loudly, while swinging my saber at Maria.
She countered and asked, “Who are you talking to?”
I didn’t answer, just swung wildly at Maria again. She blocked every move I tried to make. Maria smiled. She obviously wasn’t trying. She needed me for something…
Then Maria went on offense, now I was in real trouble. When I blocked her blow, she started pushing down, trying to knock it out of my hand. I sidestepped and Maria fell to the ground, almost impaling herself with her saber. I ran to where it was and turned it off and put it in my pocket for safe keeping.
I turned around to see who had said that. It was Eric, and he was holding his hippie chicken. For a brief moment he hadn’t been under Maria’s control, and he threw his chicken into the air, who flapped frantically towards the red button.
“NOOOOOO!” Screamed Maria. It seemed as if in slow motion she ran towards Herbert, trying to stop him. The instant the chickens feet made contact with the button there was a big rumbling sound. I turned around and saw all the brain washed people, crowding into the tiny computer room. Rebecca, and Claire were some of the people I recognized.
“NO!” Maria screamed again, “You,” she pointed at me and Eric’s hippie chicken, “ruined everything!” Luckily there had been some brain washed police officers in Maria’s hillbilly army, and they came out of the crowd and arrested her. They started to drag her away. Well not exactly drag because Maria is too dignified to be pulled along her own basement floor. As she walked up the stairs she gave me a last glance, one that could’ve melt lead.
“Well me and Herby are ‘goin ‘ta go now. Adios!” Said Eric, walking away with his chicken.
“What’s up with him?” Asked Rebecca while walking up to me.
“Well he was a hillbilly before Maria turned you guys into hillbillies, so when it turned everyone back to their original state he stayed in his.” I told her.
Well done, Luke said the mysterious voice.
“Ok, I have one question before this story ends. Who is that voice and why is he calling me Luke?” I screamed at the ceiling.
“That was two questions, retard” Claire told me.
“C’mon let’s go.” Said Becca, while turning off the basement light. (Click).
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