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Out Of The Mouths of Babes and Kids
No. of Laughs Here:
(since July 7, 2001) |
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This comes from a Catholic elementary school. The following statements
about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or
corrected.
- In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals
come on to in pears.
- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.
- Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.
- Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
- Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is
bread without any ingredients.
- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up
on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
- Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews In
the battle of Geritol.
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.
- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
- When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager.
- Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
- St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to
you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
- It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.
- The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
- One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.
- Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
LOVE, AS DEFINED BY CHILDREN
A group of professionals posed the question, "What
does love mean?" to 4 - 8 year-olds and the answers they got were
broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you
think:
"Love is that first feeling
you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
"When my grandmother got
arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So
my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got
arthritis too. That's love."
"When someone loves you, the way they say your
name is different. You know that your name is safe in their
mouth."
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy
puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody
most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs."
"Love is when someone hurts you. And you
get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know how it would hurt
their feelings."
"Love is what makes you smile when you're
tired."
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy
and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is
OK."
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then
when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk
more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when
they kiss."
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas
if you stop opening presents and listen."
"When you tell someone something bad about
yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you
get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even
more."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt,
then he wears it every day."
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old
man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and
scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving
and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared
anymore."
"My mommy loves me mores than anybody. You
don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of
chicken."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty
and still says he is handsomer then Robert Redford."
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even
after you left him alone all day."
"I know my older sister loves me because she
gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
"I let my big sister pick on me because my mom
says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby
sister because I love her."
"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on
them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead
saying."
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and
down and little stars come out of you."